The Obligatory Anti-assvice Rant.

Well, I have put this on hold for as long as humanly possible. It seems that every single Infertility blog (ie: the 3 that I've read) comes with what I like to call the Obligatory Anti-assvice Rant. (OAR) So many people have done this so much better than I could ever imagine (you know, the old "what not to say to your infertile friend"), however I now find myself at a crossroads. As the 4 year anniversary of TTC draws ever nearer, I feel the need to draw into my hard shell, to protect myself from the slings and arrows of outrageous assvice. Where once I revelled in the discussion, AKA verbal diarrhoea of such scintillating sessions, now I cower in combined horror and fear at what the next such encounter holds. And that is only being slightly melodramatic.

The genesis of this particular blog was a particularly trying Bloods session at my local pathology clinic on the weekend. My FC was closed (being Sunday), so they sent me literally up the road (without the proverbial, mixed-metaphorical paddle) to collect that day's vampirical supply. Things started swimmingly. No other customers, score! A male nurse slumped over the desk in the 40 degree heat, hey, that means no talk of cycles, babies, pregnancy etc, double-score!

Can you say, WRONG?


Presenting, an Infertility Friends production of Mez and the Apparently Infertile Male Pathology Nurse.


Mez: wow, quiet day

AIMPN: yeah. (pause) Is this your first one?

Mez: (slightly puzzled...he can't think it's the first blood this cycle as my form says CD12) First what?

AIMPN: first child?

Mez: Umm, yes hopefully.

AIMPN: yeah, I just got back from leave, we've just had our second.

Mez: (what I wanted to say): Yeah? Well why don't you just push your hand into my chest, feel around for a while, pull out what's left of my broken, infertile heart, spit on it, stomp it underfoot, then replace it ready to break again for the next loss.

Mez: (what I actually said): Hmmmm....

AIMPN: yeah, we were told we'd never have kids.

Mez: you know, GPs really need to stop telling people that. They're not Fertility experts.

AIMPN: So what's wrong with you?

Mez: (what I wanted to say): Well, I'm sitting here with a syringe in my arm discussing my fertility with some random insensitive fucktard, Joy!

Mez: (what I actually said): We're unexplained.

AIMPN: My wife has endo, PCOS, the works.

Mez: (what I wanted to say): Yeah, that's why you've got 2 kids and I've got none. ps: you win a teapot.

Mez: (what I actually said): You've done well, then.

At this point, before things became farcical, we were happily interrupted by a passing courier, which gave me the opportunity to cunningly change the subject as soon as she left.

Mez: So this blood will be OK in my fridge overnight, then?

AIMPN: (obviously on a roll) Yeah. You know, there's all different levels of treatment.

Mez: (what I wanted to say): No shit, Sherlock Stupid.

Mez: (what I actually said): Hmmmmm.....

AIMPN: Yeah, have you heard of Clomid?


OK, I'm going to press the pause button here because this is where the ranting begins. WHAT KIND OF FUCKING MORON TELLS A WOMAN WITH A SYRINGE HANGING OUT OF HER ARM FOR HER FOURTH IVF CYCLE THAT THERE'S THIS MIRACULOUS THING CALLED CLOMID?????

Mez: (what I wanted to say): Oh My God, hurry up and take this blood already, what kind of fucking lunatic are you???

Mez: (what I actually said): We jumped the levels to IVF due to age.

etc etc etc etc......



Ok, let me just say that I understand that people think they are being helpful with this shit. I really do. But please don't compare your 'difficulties conceiving' (ie: having to try for 3 months) with what I'm going through, and please do not presume to advise me on my treatment options. THAT'S WHAT I'M PAYING $5000+ A CYCLE FOR!!!!!

This is just the tip of the iceberg of assvice I've received over the years. I haven't put in the insulting, basic models (ie: relax, go on a holiday, stop thinking about it etc) because my stock answer to those inanities now generally nips things in the bud. (ie: Oh, will that fix my dodgy tube?)

I would like to think that in a perfect world, people would not pontificate on topics on which they are completely clueless. The problem in this case is the delightful irony, that those who fall pregnant the easiest, know the least about fertility, yet have the most to say, being so successful and all. I personally have not been affected by cancer, so I will in no way think to advise you on that particularly distressing medical issue, however clearly others do not share my apprehension in highlighting ignorance on such topics.

Note also my use of the non-committal, yet highly expressive "hmmmmm....." in the above anecdote. Hmmmmm is very useful for the infertile slapper. Generally, you can lower your tone to a disinterested hum, excellent for killing off any superfluous, pending assvice. I highly recommend its use.

Over and Out.