Hubris and the ART of Random Chaos.

So we draw to the close of the interventionist aspect of Stim Cycle No 2 and enter the 2WW with trepidation and not a lot of hope.

With the continuation of various elements of Infertility-denial, I will admit to some small amount of smugness at the outcome (up to, but not including, the whole successful pregnancy thing) of completed Stim Cycle 1. I had no small expectation of at least replicating the haul and quality of blasts this time, with 2 transferred and potentially 2-3 for the freezer.

Pride did indeed come before this ACer's fall on Saturday in the chair, while the earnest young embryologist explained that we were transferring a grade 2 and a grade 3 blast, with none to freeze. Where, when, how, why, HUH??? How did I go from 5 grade 1s, to these 2 cast-offs, barely 6 months later?? If this fails, I have to stim again immediately? I get to do that statistically significant 3rd stim (the one by which if I'm to succeed with IVF, needs to be IT?) So soon? And then, assuming nothing then, go down the path of the long-term, difficult cases, slugging it out for cycle 4, 5, 6 etc, ad infinitum, ad nauseam?

And what happened to this whole antagonist thing that was meant to IMPROVE egg quality? GIVE ME BACK MY DOWN REG!!!! I'm as healthy/unhealthy as I was 6 months ago.....is 38.5 that much farther down the slippery slope of infertility, than 38?

As always with AC, there are no real answers, only platitudes: "cycles are unpredictable", "lots of factors are involved", "we just don't know", yada yada. I'm to be grateful that we even had 2 to transfer, as that's the whole purpose of stimming. Even Dr Suave choked down a metaphorical *roll-eyes gif* and told me that 50% of women don't get any to freeze. (so shut up already, you over-analytical drama-queen....he was thinking it; I know that look by now.)

I feel a step closer to the end. Which isn't such a bad thing.

Eggs-actly what I wanted to hear!!

Ok, that was so lame, I'm going to apologise and force myself to watch another episode of The Bold and the Beautiful so I can be reminded again just how fertile 47-year-olds really are. (That would be you, Brooke Logan Forrester Moroney etc etc)

So, EPU was good. E2 was 6000 3 days prior, so I was expecting maybe 12, with a few immatures. I got 10 and 8 fertilised with straight IVF, thus reinforcing the bizarre paradox of an ancient infertile hag being an excellent responder with "good eggs". I haven't heard from the clinic, but I will be in on Saturday to transfer 2 little blast-offs and I'm pretty confident there'll be at least 2. Not for this clinic the daily updates that I was used to in WA, but hey, I'm paying $3000 less per stim, so I'll wear the disinterest.....with interest!!

I'm kind of vaguely impressed by the old antagonist protocol as well. Not only did I still get a flipping good haul on a low dose of FSH, but my fert rate was 80% as opposed to 69% on the down reg. In addition, the lack of lucrin has meant that I'm feeling fine, baby. No mood swings, no fatigue, no bloating, no worries! 12 days of drugs to EPU is OK by me.

I've started my prednisolone and my skin and eyes are sparkling maniacally like the proverbial Stepford Wives, plus I've put myself on baby aspirin on the "it can't hurt" theory. Apparently being ANA+, I'm at risk of platelets rising when my body reacts to dastardly foreign invaders, so miniscule clots can affect implantation at this early stage.

I'm still extremely pessimistic. I am truly at the stage where I'm sure we are merely going through the motions so we can say that we did our best, but I'm very dubious that there'll be a take-home baby at the end of all this. I just can't even think it anymore. I'm mentally preparing for a childfree life at the end of the year, as I'm not one who will keep going and going like Everready. Perhaps I'm weak, perhaps I'm strong. All I know is, I want resolution!!

Antagonise this!

So, I guess I should update this whole IVF thing, since it's kind of the raison-d'etre of this here blog.

I'm feeling slightly antagonised by the whole experience. Ha ha, geddit, antagonist cycle? *insert roll-eyes emoticon here*. Gotta love a bit of Infertility humour in the afternoon.

Ok, so the thing is, this new clinic swears by the old antagonist cycle. They're completely mad for it. I was pretty concerned about the whole OHSS thing, being your atypical 38-year-old high responder, but they assured me that this cycle was good at suppression and led to less, but better, eggs. Without lucrin. O-Kay! "Suppress me Baby one more time!"

In my usual sceptical Mez fashion, I did indeed attempt to convince them to go down reg again as that had been so successful last time, (like, up to the having a baby part *insert roll-eyes emoticon again*) but to no avail. Looks like old clinico was correctamundo and old Mez was wrong, capeesh? (how many languages can I slaughter in one sentence?) My E2 today at the CD10 scan was 1200 and I have around 10 1cm follies so far. So it looks as though less may well be more. I'm not panicking about over-stimming now, and in the cliched vernacular of millions of teens world-wide, IT's ALL GOOD! Maaaaaaaaaaate.

Next scan/BT is set for Wednesday and we need my lining to get a wriggle on and start plumping itself out, y'all, kinda like Madonna's new face.

On another slightly optimistic note, it also turns out that the results of my hyst/endo biopsy were awesome and there's no sign of killer cells or any other murderous cellular fiends lurking nefariously behind uterine lines. Dr Suave was trying to convince me that due to his brilliant planning, (cunning like a fox, I tell you!) I had the hysteroscopy on CD 21 so that I was at the right part of my cycle for the results. I didn't bother reminding him that I actually had it 2 weeks later than initially planned due to the clinic not booking me in on time. *can I keep using the roll-eyes motif here, or would that be twee?*

So, after a chilly early response, I feel that I've warmed up to Dr Suave. His moniker is meant ironically, as in, I think he thinks he's pretty suave. You know, one of those mid-40s, silver haired dudes still in pretty good nick who tries to be in with the young'uns. I just realised that I'm deludedly allying myself with these self-same young'uns. I guess you're only as young as the man you feel. (boom boom)

So, Dr Suave is starting to listen to me a bit more, now that I'm paying his clinic the big bucks to stim, rather than using them to shoot my previously acquired, ring-in blasts into the vortex known as Infertile Mez.

Every time I leave his office, I feel like saying that I really hope I never see him again. Strangely enough, I don't feel that it's time for those words, yet.

Out, out brief candle!

Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player,
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
And then is heard no more. It is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.

RIP Barbara.