I hereby give warning that the following diatribe may offend anyone who has used any form of donations with which to create their families. Hey, my blog, my shit, right?
So we come to that time in every old, infertile slapper's life, when the only possible way of creating a family is through some sort of donation. You know, some weird sci-fi type shit that isn't really sci-fi anymore, thanks to modern technology. But in my head, it's still playing God n shit, mkay? And this comes from someone who has no concept of a personal god, in any way, shape or form.
I try, I try, I try really hard to come to grips with the fact that having a child, any child at all, is meant to be preferable to having none. But I struggle. I play the guilt angle, you know, why should my husband miss out on the joy of breeding because of my infertility, but at the end of the day, no dice. I still can't get my head around gestating some other woman's child with my husband. I guess my maternal instinct just ain't that strong.
But does it make me less brave? Less courageous? Less worthy of admiration? Because I'm happy to give up without grabbing the gold ring of success, the trophy of motherhood and family? Sometimes it feels this way.
Confusion reigns as sadness rains.
I try, I try, I try really hard to come to grips with the fact that having a child, any child at all, is meant to be preferable to having none. But I struggle. I play the guilt angle, you know, why should my husband miss out on the joy of breeding because of my infertility, but at the end of the day, no dice. I still can't get my head around gestating some other woman's child with my husband. I guess my maternal instinct just ain't that strong.
But does it make me less brave? Less courageous? Less worthy of admiration? Because I'm happy to give up without grabbing the gold ring of success, the trophy of motherhood and family? Sometimes it feels this way.
Confusion reigns as sadness rains.
3 comments:
I struggled with our decision to use donor sperm, but I think if we had use donor eggs instead I would have struggled even more and not sure if I could have gone through with it. But now we have our son and you know what ? It doesn't matter one bit and I am sure if we had used donor eggs instead it still would not have mattered. We have a gorgeous son and he is ours no matter what his biological make is.
You have to feel right about it. It is a very difficult decision to make and which ever way you decide you will be considered brave and courageous in my eyes.
All the best.
I can't really comment because I still have a bio link.
I don't think that you need to try everything to be considered brave & courageous. We all know there's a line in the sand & if that line moves, then so be it, but if it doesn't then that's OK to. As Vee has said, you need to feel right about it.
Thinking of you
xo
As Jules said, everyone's line in the sand is different, and you cannot move yours to a place where you don't feel comfortable.
But the other side of the equation rests in Vee's comment (and also from someone else I know) - once the child is born, any doubt pales into insignificance, and there is no question at all that the child is yours.
You can only do what feels right to you. It's just unfortunate that like everything else in this journey, that there are so many 'what ifs'.
You are one of the most courageous people I know.
xxx
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