Out of Puff.

I'm unenthused by this cycle and can't really be bothered. I tend to mentally and physically hibernate during the 2WW, particularly the last difficult week, during which time I try to put myself on the backburner, if that's even humanly possible. In reality, I'm trying not to think about the inevitable BFN and the next step. Anyone who even vaguely believes in the power of positive thinking will assume that I'm willing it to fail. Me, I'm just gearing up the defence mechanisms to avoid the crash and burn when the red lady sings.

To update, we had transfer of 2 excellent Grade 1 blasts, one of which was even double Grade 1, apparently. Both Specialist and embryologist gushed, ooohed and aaaahed appropriately at the perfection of our little blasties, clearly thinking that this is what I need to hear. Unfortunately, I'm well versed in the perfect-blast/negative result dichotomy and was in no mood. This qualifies me, in the words of the FS, as an "old-hand" AKA a cynical infertile bitch.

Additionally, we have 1 definite Grade 1 frozen and another they were watching. So all in all, despite previous fears, probably 4 good blasts out of 5 fert. Again, cold comfort when nothing seems to be working.

BT next Monday, but not I'm not expecting to get that far.

5, 4, 3, 2, 1.....blast off!!!

.....or not.

So, I hear that every year after 37, fertility drops drastically. I understand that, but this is getting ridiculous!!!

The good news was that despite potentially overstimming, with an E2 of 15400 two days before my EPU, I was OK and awoke to see that lovely, double-figure of 10 biroed on my hand. After insisting that they give me the voltaren messary that they'd forgotten during the EPU (and boy can you tell they've forgotten the pain relief!), I heard the woman in the bed next to me look at her sad and solitary number 1 and say to the nurse, well, it's better than last time. So, me, I no complain.

Next day comes that previously non-dreaded call from embryology. Me, smug?

Perky Embryologist:"It's good news! You collected 10 eggs (derr) and we have fertilisation of 5."

Mez: "(in a daze, not really taking it in) err, we usually get much higher fert rates."

PE: "Well, we aim for 50% and you've got 50%, congratulations!"

Which sets my mind a-thinkin'. Last time, with 10 eggs, 8 fert, we got 3 usable blasts. Following the same process, it's possible we'll end up with nothing.

A rudimentary revision of my previous cycles shows a heinous and unheralded, highly-rapid decline in my Fertility.

Stim 1: 16 eggs, 9 fert, 5 blasts.

Stim 2: 10 eggs, 8 fert, 3 blasts.

Stim 3: 10 eggs, 5 fert........????


How does it go so far downhill in a matter of 9 months?

My problem to be overcome on this whole nightmarish treadmill to oblivion seemed to be implantation/miscarriage issues.

Throw in some age-related cruddy eggs and this could all be over much sooner than expected.

Something else to worry about. Perhaps, in a crazy way, it's a good thing. I'm telling you, all these textbook but negative cycles were doing the old head in.

I've pushed Dr Suave to prescribe Clexane and am back on the 'roids, so let's take some deep breaths and worry about what we can control, which is zero, nada, niente, rien.

No news from embryology is good news, until transfer next Wednesday, which no longer seems a cert.

Relax, go on a holiday, stop thinking about it.....

.....well, 2 out of 3 ain't bad. Guess what folks, being as fertile as a Stop sign didn't lead to a natural pregnancy whilst enjoying the balmy warmth of Port Douglas 2 weeks ago. Funny that. I even deludedly stayed on the prednisolone (and have the moonface in the photos to prove it) against the instructions of Dr Suave, on the off chance that I'm actually quite fertile but just need to keep the inflammation down for a successful implantation. Not to be. As always, stupid hope will always spring eternal in the bosom of the Infertile.

Since my last blog entry there has been some small progress in this journey.

1. I have obtained a referral to the OB who's a thrombophiliac expert and await his call for an appointment. I've stayed on the megafol/B6/B12 and aspirin for now.

2. Dr Suave wants me to stim again rather than FET, due to age....ie: he wants the old duck to build up a supply of blasts before the eggs give out. Whatever, just lead me to that general anaesthetic. Same protocol, antagonist with 100 puregon.

3. I insisted on a Clexane prescription, despite his disbelief that my MTHFR is a factor. He kept spouting the "homocysteine is normal" line, but somehow I've stumbled upon a very pro-Clexane GP who is happy to supply me, so I told him I'd be using it with or without his approval. FS is no doubt highly sick of Mez and her friend, Dr Google, however I'm now firmly of the belief that an informed infertile is a (contradiction in terms) a relatively happy infertile.

4. DH's SCSA/Tunel test came back perfect, so again, it seems that embryo quality is not the issue here.

5. This will be full stim number 3, and transfer 7+8. I'm now looking down the barrel of the business end of this fertility caper. I may or may not do that statistically significant 4th stim, it really depends on a number of factors, including where we'll be living in a few months, which could change momentarily.

Let's go!