Yup. The ol' spidey senses are certainly working overtime. I'm at that point of utter confusion. The intense, researching, Dr-sceptic Mez thinks that if I just research some more and find that secret ingredient that's holding me back from eventual success, then all will be well. The tired, laid back, fatalistic Mez thinks that what will be will be and that we have no control over this heartless process. Pregnancy isn't really a science. Millions of fat, lazy, overweight, smoking, drunken crack whores daily conceive and bring forth more spawn to fill the world.
In the past week 3 people have asked me if I have kids. Funnily enough, up until I started trying, I was never asked. Four years of TTC has aged me now to the point that even the baby/toddler assumptions have stopped and people wonder which schools my mythical children attend. Like most long-term Infertiles, I've worked on a stock response of which I'm unnervingly proud. It goes something like this:
II (that's Inquisitive Idiot): So, do you have kids?
Mez: No. (smart punters get the point here.)
II: Oh! (tone of surprise and disbelief)
Mez: Not everyone has kids.
I'll pause here to explain that if this is the end of the conversation, I go no further. However, there are those Extra-Inquisitive Extra-Idiots who need to continue to the next level....
II: Really? Why not?
Mez: Not everyone can HAVE kids. (glare)
This is where it ends. Normal, switched on folk assume at "Not everyone has kids" that a woman in her late-30s may well be childless involuntarily. Those clueless folks who assume that everyone has kids, need it spelled out. I will single out for honorable mention in the area of gross self-absorption, the woman last week who, even after the final line in my little dialogue, still went on expectantly to tell me that she had two. O-KAY! Cue Mez mumbling hmmmm and turning away quite quickly. No, I really don't want to hear the exciting tales of parenthood, and if you think I'm going to start breathlessly interrogating you about Tyler and Logan (or whatever bizarro surname-first names are trendy this year), then think again.
I guess I'd better get used to this little speech. I do feel (believe it or not) that as I prepare myself for the inevitable, the bitterness is receding somewhat. I actually stood next to a hugely pregnant woman at a party last weekend and chatted away blithely. I guess it helped that I just thought she was fat and only realised her state when someone else asked about her adventures in cot-purchasing. The baby hole will reduce in size and other things will take its place. I'm working hard on the husband to find work in Melbourne so I can have my career and life back. All this running from Infertility has to stop someday.
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