Okay, so old Michael Stipe wasn't actually singing about religion because, as any good REM fan knows, the religious iconography in the video had nothing to do with the actual song but was one of those creative-artistic type things bound to attract interest/controversy.
The expression is a southern US idiom for being at your wit's end, or in my case, at my fucking wit's end.
Significantly, however, the continuing story of my Infertility (yeah, it deserves a capital letter, because like the song's meaning, it's also become an obsession) has made me consider the metaphysical more often than I have since those dark, depressing teenage years, you know, the ones where I agonised over the meaning of life while everyone else was getting smashed, laid etc. It does suck to be deep in a shallow world.
I'm not sure what the religious make of their Infertility. I find it difficult to reconcile any of this with anything that makes sense. I have no wish to offend those with religion, I envy you and I know that I'm in the minority in not being able to believe in a higher power.
What Infertility does to my belief system is that it gives me a sort of lite-Hinduism/Buddhism in which I wonder what the fuck I've done in another life to deserve this. I must have been one awful, child-murdering criminal to be going through this now.
Because I wouldn't wish yesterday's ultrasound on anyone, yet the news was not unexpected in the least, and it certainly hasn't been the first time I've seen that empty, barren sac on the screen, mocking me and making me look the other way before the tears well up. Could it be any more symbolic of the struggles we go through?
Some of my loyal readers (all 3 of you, lol) have wondered why I haven't blogged for a few weeks. I will admit to some false hope, despite all indications to the contrary from my FC, that I had a lazy little late implanter on my hands, who had finally latched onto mama and was now making my HCG double every 2 days or so, as it was meant to. Would we turn up to that scan yesterday, all past traumas forgotten, to be greeted by the sight of a little 7 week mini-us on the screen, allowing us to put this hell behind us? Why on earth would we get that lucky?
But that was just a dream
Try, cry, why try?
That was just a dream
Just a dream, just a dream
Dream
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7 comments:
I am so so sorry. I had the same hopes for you that you had for yourself.
(((hugs)))
Mez this window has been open for at least 20 minutes now and I still havent written anything. This is one of the most heart wrenching and yet thought provoking posts I've read in a long time.
How many times can a person say "I'm sorry to hear your news". In my experience, too many and yet somehow not enough. So once again I'll say I'm so sorry.
Carla (smurtle)
I am sorry Mez, seeing that empty sac is heart wrenching.
Having that bit of Hope is what gets you through the wait, she can certainly be a bitch.
I hope it gets easier for you.
I have no words.
I am sorry.
I am so terribly sorry :(
I'm so sorry. Even when you know it's not going to happen you still can't help but to have some hope. Again, I am so sorry this is happening.
I am so sorry,
It sounds like it's time the universe cut you a freaking break!
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