It's at the hour before dawn that I stare at the rays peeping cheekily out from the curtain's periphery and ponder my deepest thoughts. Just for a change, they revolve around fertility, AKA, what the fuck do I do now? I say this fully cognizant of the inherent irony, but sometimes I feel that I'm still too young and 'fertile' to give up now.
If I were one of those 39 year olds who couldn't even respond to 600iu of stims, had one lousy follie which yielded one cruddy egg (if I was lucky), which then became a sickly looking fragmented embie which was dying on day 2, sure, perhaps it would be time to let go. In fact, I've met 3 of these women in the past year, and they're all moving onto donor eggs now. With each failed cycle, I'm starting to get the donor eggs questions and I really can't answer honestly without offending those who are moving in this direction; suffice it to say that I won't be gestating another woman's child with my husband inside this body, and that's about as much as I want to say on this topic. For me, the need to breed stops with my DNA.
It's really difficult. Never have I been clucky. I'll put it out there, even through these past five horror years of trying, I actually don't get clucky. I never really thought of children, except in a theoretical, oh, maybe when I'm 35 type way. When I started thinking about it, I decided I wanted one and no more. In fact, I recall at the start of this whole shebang, advising DH that I'd go through pregnancy once (hold me back, dear irony!) and that's it, that one child is perfect and enables you to continue being an individual and having, dare I say it, a LIFE. He demurred and requested 2, on the "only children are weirdos" theory, and this was to be our big negotiation.
ONE. I only wanted ONE, FFS. No greed here. No pumping out 4 in 4 years like Kate Lang.broek and other celebrity late-breeders et al. JUST ONE.
So, it's a delicate balance. Kind of, how much more treatment can I bear vs can I stand to stop when I literally probably have a year of 'fertility' left.
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3 comments:
Mez, I have just rediscovered your blog.
I recall being in that exact same situation, it is a difficult stage and only you can answer the question.
I couldn't let go knowing I had a year or so of fertile years left. I needed my body to tell me when to stop, knowing I have no other choice. I could not live with myself knowing I hadn't given it everything, for me stopping before my fertile years are up was not giving it everything. Also having two miscarriages gave me a bit of hope, know I could get pregnant and hoping it was a matter of time before the next one actually stuck.
Which ever road you take , I hope you are in peace with it.
Even being one of those women who get 1 shitty egg on 600 Gonal...still not able to give up (not sure if it makes me persistant or stupid).
But you can assure DH that not all only children are 'weird'...mine certainly isn't.....
I know, Lis, I think the weirdness would come from the parents, rather than the child, if that makes sense? Our kid would be weird due to genetics, regardless, lol.
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