Numb and Number.

I haven't blogged for ages. In fact, I closed this blog during Stim 4 as a means of waving goodbye to my years of Infertility and returning to normality. Also the psycho stalker angle, yet I assure these peeps that they will receive unpleasant legal letters if they continue to libel me on their blogs.

I'm stopping AC and going back to work full-time. The carnival's over and this clown can cry no more.

Only.....as always, a scintilla of hope enters the battered, sludge-covered heart once again. Is it possible to have 5 pregnancy losses? I didn't think so....so I guess that means I'm good at something, right? Ha ha.

Well, a few weeks ago I did a sneaky natural FET to use up my frosties before I move states again. One didn't make the thaw, but the last 2 did, so in they went. Absolutely no expectations as IVF doesn't work for me. So, at 11dpo, shockingly, unexpectedly, I get a feint pos on a stick, which gets darker till my BT at 14dpo. HCG was 84, a bit low, p4 was a crazy 162. I dared to hope....a bit of brown spotting that night which I took to be implantation bleeding, as I'm on man-strength clexane AND aspirin, for the first time. (my M/C guy's recommendations, also no prednisolone as he doesn't think I need it)

2 days later, HCG only 111, p4 174. I tried to convince myself there was a very early vanishing twin, making one blast a CP and explaining the spotting, high p4 plus non-doubling beta.

Then we go OS for Xmas. I am ridiculously bloated, tender boobs and spewed twice. No booze in Honkers!

Come home and have BT yesterday, I should be 5.5 weeks and around 3000-5000 HCG. It's only 575 and p4 has halved to 82. I'm so exhausted that I've had 5 losses and I don't even know why. I'm too tired to cry even. This time, I don't think it was implantation. My blood is so thin, I'm covered in massive bruises and the clexane should have stopped that. I'm waiting for the scan next week and praying there's no sac as I really want to avoid another D+C after last time's scar tissue problem on my cervix.

I'm starting to think that my perfect blasts have maternal-age-related chromosomal problems and something like 80% of my blasts are abnormal. It's just a theory, because I know that the fetus in January's loss was normal through testing. But I suspect that my first loss in 2005 may have been abnormal. I had massive, normal PG symptoms up until 8 weeks, the likes of which I've never since experienced, which then stopped suddenly. This was in my clueless days when I didn't do BTs or even dating/hb scans. I just found out at the 12 week NF scan that the sac was empty and had stopped growing at 8 weeks, which suggests to me that there may have been a heartbeart, then it stopped developing, which is what happens to abnormal fetuses.

My second loss could have been an implantation issue....again, no BTs but I hemorrhaged and passed it in the toilet at work one day at 5.5 weeks. I'm pretty sure my HCG didn't get very high for that one at all as it was down to 30ish around the time of it passing.

The ectopic doesn't count, I guess. Murphy (or Mez's law) suggests that it was probably normal.

Well, this is a long-winded way of saying I'm really confused. Am I right to suspect that there is something wrong with a large proportion of my eggs? DH and I came up normal on karotyping and chromosomal testing, but I'm thinking these are random, age-related abnormalities that just happen. I'm back to tossing and turning and insomnia, trying to make sense of it, come to conclusions.

In which case, we have started talking about PGD, despite me not wanting to cycle again. We kind of want closure, like not going to my grave wondering why I couldn't keep a pregnancy.